The missing penis through time

Ever since the addition of our (proud mother moment: beautiful, clever, and strong) daughter into this, our house of testosterone (save then for me, of course), I have been a party to the following disturbing and strangely amusing conversations with Paxton, the youngest of my testosterone carriers.

When he was two-years-old:

Him:”Bay-bee bum?” accompanied by a very concerned and quizzical look on his sweet elf-like face.

Me: “Yes, honey.  That’s her bum.” While I finish putting a fresh diaper on her.

When he was three-years-old:

Him: “Mummy, where ‘Randa’s peanuts?”

Me: (Hoping I don’t screw this up – my kids are going to have big enough therapy bills as it is) “Um, well honey, she doesn’t have one.  Miranda is a girl and girl’s don’t have penises”
Him: (looking curious and little suspicious) “Did her lose it?”

Me: (Now worrying about causing some kind of lost penis phobia) “No baby.  She’s a girl.  Girls have vaginas and boys have penises.”

Him: “But I want ‘Randa to have a PEA-NUS!”

Me: (knowing that we’re entering all kinds of uncomfortable now, and kind-of-sort-of-absolutely wishing for the Zombie Apocalypse to start NOW.  Take me first y’all.) “I know honey, but, but she’s a girl.  You know, same as Mama.”

Him: (visibly shaken and upset now) “YOU don’t have a penis?!?”

Me: (wishing that I had remembered the ‘distract them with a cookie or a puppy’ trick before this point) “No, baby.  Mama doesn’t have a penis either.”

Him: Mummy lose she penis?

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And so we go full circle and in the mind of a three-year-old boy, it appears that the following hold true:

1.  Penises are lose-able
2. If you don’t have a penis, you must have lost it.
3. Everyone has a penis (duh!)

And now four-years-old, we revisit the topic:

Him: “Mummy.  Why doesn’t ‘Randa have a penis?” (Proud Mother moment: see, his speech and language are SO much better now!)

Me: (internal sigh, knowing this will go nowhere good, but without an escape plan, I’m fucked so I solider on) ” Because she’s a girl, honey.  Girls have vaginas.”

Him: Without missing a beat: “Someone stole her penis!”

Me: “No baby, she never had one.  She has a vagina.”

Him: Very matter of fact and almost resigned: “Someone took it.”

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So, at this point in the game, we’ve gone from quizzical and concerned, to angry and distraught to the quiet certainty of knowledge that one possesses when he is much older and wiser than I.  And he’s only FOUR.

The way I see it: Either he’s going to develop a phobia about having his penis stolen or he’s going to give his sister a complex for having lost hers.  Either way, this is NOT looking good for our hero (Um, ya, that’s me).

Come on, you didn’t really expect me to post a picture of a penis or vagina, did you? Nope, not happening (unless, of course, I can find my Human Sexuality textbook from university and find the female-to-male post-op picture. That I would totally post.) So I offer you instead a glimpse of Lucy Liu: Ninja Cat, Extraordinaire. Here’s a shot of her obsessively cleaning her paws.  She’s starting to pack on the pounds now, fatter now than when she was pregnant with the triplets just six months ago now. But, she’s just like me in that regard, so I love her now.

P.S.  The host of this blog, Wordpress, provides a spell-checker in its post editor and said Spell-Check doesn’t like the word “vaginas.”  Not sure if it is the word or the spelling or the actual part.  I’m not sure of the bias being held here.  It could be a bit of all three.  Isn’t the plural of “vagina”, “vaginas”?  Vagini just doesn’t sound right at all.  Funny though, the aforementioned Spell-Check let penises right on through.  It reeks of the dark ages in here.  Sexist spell-checker bastard. I think I may have just stumbled upon my Women’s Studies undergrad paper topic.  Now to re-enroll in my program.  Baby steps, people, baby steps.